I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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