24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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