my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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