So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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