why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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