I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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