Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
