well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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