i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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