can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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