I just saw a hot homeless man
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
