Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Actions speak louder than pants.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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