i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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