my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
