I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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