Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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