life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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