My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
