A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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