Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think i got beer on your cat.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
