awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
