Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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