Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
