Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
