I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
