What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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