My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
