When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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