nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a search helicopter?!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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