Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
this is an emotional support booty call
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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