I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
