Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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