Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
too bad you live with your parents still
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I love you. Go after that dick
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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