blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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