low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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