In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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