kristin has been a bad kristin
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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