hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
