he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
