I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
