I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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