You're my little dorito
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He passed out mid-signature
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
