I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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