My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Pants are for mortals
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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