I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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