you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
