GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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