Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
