I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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