thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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