a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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