i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
