Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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