Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
