I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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