ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
