He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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