Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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